Space and privacy in your relationship

It is safe to claim that if good treatment clubbed with privacy and freedom is what you expect from your partner, then the very same is also what you need to give back to your partner. This importantly, comes along with the clause of needing to accept one another’s sense of individuality. Why this well sorted out theoretical prescription for success in a relationship fails to translate successfully in its practical application is an interesting analysis. What is evident is that, while the giving and receiving of good treatment is all good and hunky dory; it is in the giving of privacy and freedom that the calm waters get unsettling. An independent, free and self expressive partner not only triggers the feeling of doubt and insecurity in one’s mind but in addition may also cause a withdrawal of complete trust. The vital question of being “why so?’ comes. The answer put in simple words is that personal space, privacy and independence in a relationship are often equated to secrecy. Here’s a breaking down the case scenario in an attempt towards further comprehension.

What is personal space and privacy ?

It is common for us to hear a lot of our friends complaining about their partners not giving them enough personal space or not letting them live their lives. But what is this personal space we refer to? A basic understanding of humans as social being tells us that our lives are divided into four quadrants – our career or occupation, our family life, our social life and personal life.

And while the events in our daily life assume different shapes and meanings, these four quadrants remain constant.

Of these, our personal life is defined by the time we spend to fulfill our inner selves, either by way of hobbies, self care or leisure activities. Without question, how we want to lead our own personal lives is our choice and decision to make, depending on our comforts, likes, dislikes and desires.

And since these matters are often private in nature, our personal time in a way also becomes our private time , just as our personal life is in a way the same as our private life.

What goes wrong ?

A day comes when we meet that special someone we have been fantasizing about and waiting for since long. The release of endorphins in our brains makes us go gaga over just about everything. In that special someone and before we know it, we believe we are in love. At this point and all points beyond, we tend to completely give up on our personal life, as we spend most of our time experiencing and obsessing about the newness and excitement in our lives.

A few months down and finally, we feel that something is missing. We begin sensing a lack of space .The roots of this disturbing realization are grounded in us constantly, sharing every small detail of our personal life with our loved ones. Very quickly, our partners feel free to guide us and instruct us on ways we must lead our personal life.

Our partners decisions become our decisions, their choices becomes our choices, their opinions becomes our opinions, but only until we begin to freak out. While our identities begin to get highly influenced by our loved ones, we also begin to develop a sense of lost individuality. And before we come to realize it, our private space feels intruded upon.

Then what is secrecy ?

Secrecy is about hiding the kind of information that otherwise should be easy to talk about between two people in a relationship. And there’s no denying that when a couple in a relationship begins keeping secrets from one another, there is something to worry about. While it is not a compulsion for your partner to know everything about your personal, social or work life, at the same time there should not be any information or aspect in your personal, social or work life that you cannot talk about or discuss with your partner. For example, if you go out with two of your good friends for a casual dinner, there is no reason why your partner cannot know about it.

However telling your partner that you were working late in office instead, or that you went out for dinner with just one friend is necessary.

What is the impact of secrecy ?

Secrecy destroys the basic pillar of any relationship – which is ‘trust’. And once the trust is lost ; relating to the other in the partnership becomes very tough. Truth is, even when there is a great deal of honesty and commitment within a relationship, one instance of secrecy in enough to instill the doubt in the relationship. Doubt in its part is undeniably one of the most overpowering feelings of all, and can emerge as one of the most important decision making aspects in any relationship. Doubt in the end, is what sows the seeds of the arguments, anger outbursts, emotional instability and finally separation.

Is there a way out ?

Anything that has the potential to have an impact on your partner directly or indirectly and has been hidden from him or her intentionally is secrecy. Privacy is when something that does not hold relevance for your partner or has potential to have an impact on your partner is for some specific reason kept to yourself by choice.

For a relationship to work well in the long run, it is important to consciously differentiate between the two and to consciously do the right thing. Alongside, there is a dire need to allow one’s partner to enjoy his or her own personal space. Remember, if someone tries to control your thoughts, desires, ideas and actions or tires to put an end to them – your existence will get choked. To respect the other’s spaces, the other’s privacy and the other’s need for self expression – clubbed with a healthy dose of trust – is what counts in the end.

Dr Kamal Khurana

Marriage & Relationship Counsellor

The Counselling Institute