Some steps toward fulfilling marriages...

So this seems to be the era where everyone seems to be concerned about the rising divorce rates. While on one hand, it is true that divorce rates are indeed on the rise, it also is true that if the right efforts are put in at the right time, marriages are not only workable but very satisfying. The one thing to always keep in mind is that marriages require constant efforts to grow and develop into healthy and satisfying relationships. Here are some basic insights that will put you on the right track... J

·        Don’t lie

If you feel the need to lie to your partner, think to yourself why? We also lie for trivial matters thinking it is easier, or when we think our partner might not agree on certain things. Lies whether small or big, breed mistrust. Try expressing honestly to your partner. It will save you a bigger confrontation that might happen later.

·        Do not criticize

Criticism comes naturally to all of us. We do want things our way, and we find it easy to just inform the other person what actions of his we like, and which ones we do not. While the intention in our mind is to make people mend their ways a little, the outcome of criticism is the opposite. Apart from hurting the feelings of someone else, criticism instantly makes the recipient defensive and stronger on his position. They will justify and explain the rationale of ‘why I think this is the best way to do this’ or will make them criticize you. It is the way our egos defend ourselves. People genuinely think they are not to be blamed and they are right. Yet, criticism hurts people and their actions never change.

·        Never say okay if it is not

The point here is not to fight for everything, but at the same time, do not just agree to everything only to avoid an argument. Such situations will most often than not, repeat themselves and it will be assumed that you are okay with them. When you are saying ‘okay’ to something, it is giving your partner that exact same message. If you are not okay with the particular way situations are being handled, then take time to convey your perspective to your partner and arrive at a central route which is ‘okay’ to both of you. Any disagreement or difference of opinion can either cause a rift between the two of you, or if handled well, can help you know your partner better and increase the intimacy you share.

·        Learn to forgive and forget

It is easy and very natural to feel hurt because of something unpleasant your partner did or said. When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. Here, it is important to remember that grudges soon turn into resentment and hatred. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. Again, it is important to deal with it there and then, forgive and not harbor grudges for long. Once an argument is over, do not bring that situation or argument again in future arguments. A bad memory can actually help, when it comes to past disagreements!

·        Spend time

This is probably the most commonly given advice and least commonly implemented. While each and every aspect of our individual life is important and needs to be taken care of too, never let anything or anyone take precedence over your partner. No matter what work, household and other responsibilities one has, always take out a brief amount of time everyday to be spent with only your partner.  Engage in some activities as a couple. It could be anything from a conversation over evening tea or post dinner conversations, to a walk to the park, yoga or hobby classes. Make sure this becomes a consistent part of your routine.

·        Awareness of feelings

We are conditioned to perceive situations and gestures a certain way, and then we react accordingly. There are always three versions of a story – your version, your partner’s version, and what really happened. If you really wish to resolve issues and deal with conflicts in a smoother manner, it is important to first, be aware of your own feelings, triggers and reactions and then understand the same for your partner as well. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings will help your partner feel that despite having different perspectives, you understand and respect their feelings. This in turn, most likely will lead to a similar reciprocation. A conscious awareness of the other’s feelings and emotions tends to make you sensitive towards their needs.

This article written by Divya Baveja. Divya is a practicing psychologist and a consultant with TCI since 4 years. She has done her Masters in Psychology. Her interest areas are in the field of personal and relationships counselling. Her work involves personal and emotional well being, growth and self enrichment, where she mostly works with individuals and couples. She focuses on fostering awareness of feelings, thoughts and basic assumptions that underlie human actions in order to create positivity and also helps inculcate life skills to deal with personal situations effectively and constructively. In her belief, all forms of positive growth begin with two things – awareness and the right tools guiding the way.