Friday 24 May 2013

INFIDELITY – Knowing that the partner is infertile brings life to a state full of irony and dilemma. The instant reaction is of disbelief. It surely brings havoc in a relationship. The only fact that makes marriage different is exclusivity. Marriage is a relationship where the man and the woman decide and promise to live together and try their best to support each others dreams. Lack of exclusivity makes the relationship vulnerable to dissolution. This doesn’t mean that all marriages with infidelity by the husband or the wife Brooke. Such marriages are just dragged and move with a lot of haste, disgust, abuse and pain.


Reactions  :
Knowledge of infidelity is a very traumatic situation for the cheated partner.
A lot of mixed emotions are felt at this stage. They display explosive anger reactions
. They might resort to verbal or physical abuse or both. In some cases they also try to threaten or actually bring harm ( of any sort ) to the third person who is involved with their spouses. In some cases the cheated partners straight away refuse to live in the home and threat to even break the marriage. Also if they have children they try to ventilate the pain to children too which is very traumatic for the children.


The Confusion :
Amongst all this there comes a very tricky point – to choose the road ahead. This decision is a very critical decision and most people are unable to take the right path. The reason being :


  • ·         Undealt hurt –

The heart of being cheated comes as a shock. It is a deep hurt because people are unable to believe the occurrence of infidelity despite their love and commitment in the marriage. This emotionally hurt is far deeper than a physical hurt. The pain is experienced more and more because the whole series of experiences in the mind keeps on repeating like a faulty movie CD. The racing thoughts of imagination about the relationship of the partner with the other choke the mind to make the decision.


  • ·         Cloud of coldness –

The day of revelation brings the cheated partner in a mode of coldness. It is really difficult to break this vicious mood punishing the infidels partner through blaming, commenting sarcastically and abusing. The decision for the way forward cannot come till this punishment mode is outgrown. For some people it even continues upto few months or even a few years


  • ·         Doubt about re-occurrence  -

There is a strong insecurity in the mind of the cheating partner that the infidel partner can cheat again. There is great difficulty in building the trust back again. This is very obvious in cases where the cheating happens to a person who has never sensed any problem in the marriage


  • ·         Inability to gather courage to start afresh

Most people go through a stage where they feel that their life has come to an end. These people feel depressive and also experience inability in being functional even in other spheres of life – career, social life and health. The whole negative and pessimistic environment leaves the person in a deep mist.


  • ·         Inability to rationalize the gaps in the relationship prior to the infidelity

It is true that no reason can justify infidelity. But at the same time there are factors that trigger the person to take such a step unknowingly. Such reasons are the gap areas in the relationship which are used as a refuge by the infidel partner. A relationship can never fail if both the partners are assertive in getting the issues sorted. But those who fail to put the concerns across each other are vulnerable to slip towards such a disastrous direction or unconscious choice. And when the infidelity is revealed, the cheating partner is in a great inertia of disbelief, anger bouts and vengeance that he / she is not able to have an unbiased observation of the gaps in the relationship. A fresh life can happen when both the partners agree to see things objectively.



  • Decision :


To reconsider the continual of the relationship is an important life decision. 
The first most important requirement is to be open to the hurdles in the decision making process as mentioned above. The comes the following sequence of facts to make the right decision :


  • ·         Acknowledgement / guilt of the infidel partner

It is very important the infertile partner admits the involvement in an extramarital affair. Many people don’t accept it and say that it was just friendship. It is difficult to convince them to accept till they are provided with solid evidences. Also there are such people who don’t even accept despite the presence of evidences. Owning of the cheating brings both a common point of acceptance. And only then the cheated partner can come to the step two. It is not worth considering if the infidel partner doesn’t accept. It is not recommended that the infidel partner is forced to accept. There are other bold steps that can be taken without harming. 



  • ·         Honest narration of the inner emotions by the infidel partner

Most the infidel partners don’t tell the whole thing. In such a case the cheated partner finds it difficult to restart the relationship. This is so because the trust can be developed only when the infidel partner takes complete ownership of the whole situation.



  • ·         Development of Conscience in cheating partner

Some people accept and even tell the truth. But they don’t have any realization and are not committed to rebuilding the marriage. There are higher probabilities that the relationship will not work in such cases. It is difficult to access whether they have the commitment or not. The help of a good psychologist can be taken to access this situation and also a right approach should be considered to get an answer to this question. Sometimes people expect imaginary behavior to be displayed by the infidel partner so as to believe their genuineness. Only healthy discussions can help to identify the genuineness and that too only after when the infidel partner has admitted the wrong doing. 


  • ·         Commitment of the infidel partner

The commitment of the infidel partner can be well assessed if he / she speaks in detail about the way forward. When they speak about their vulnerabilities that made them slip into infidelity, they speak about the support that they need for the future for rebuilding the relationship. If they still put all the blame on the cheated partner then the relationship is not worth reconsidering. The help of a good marriage counselor / psychologist expert in the field is always recommended to assess such a situation.


  • ·         Self belief of the cheated partner

Above all if the value system of the cheated partner is really inflexible and has no room for reconsideration then restarting the relationship is not recommended. Some people have such strong views about infidelity that despite huge efforts they feel that something inside them is broken. It is much more than their emotional hurt. 

People vary in their opinions about this topic because they differ in value systems and a lot of other factors.  Still the fact remains that a third person can only come between a couple WHEN there is space between. Relationships run only on  honest  sharing and full commitment. Couples should honestly share their individual needs, expectations and experiences with each other. And then they should put their best effort to fulfill these needs ( both emotional or physical ). It is the intent that matters. The result is complete bonding without any gaps.
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